today 15 june 2009
i am 18 years old....after three days i have my entrance exam ,
the one i desperately wanted to clear , my dream place , my dream university......
i worked out all the questions from its past year exam papers . but some things are out of our hands and some dreams are meant to remain unfulfilled .
Problems surrounded me from all sides ..........and i lost myself to them ,i was shattered because my strength was targeted by them and that made me weak and i wasn't expecting that too happen.
18 june ,
the day of examination came ......i went to the center in the morning without praying , nothing
those gates of the center seemed giant to me , maybe because i was cut short by my problems.......9 am we entered the center , and we sat down at the allotted seats .....by we i meant me and my problems.........
the paper seemed easy to me and i was happy that i would be able to clear it........but things never live up to our expectations......!!!!
That day i felt no happiness , no pain , no sorrow , no gain......
At midnight that day, i was at a place no one wants to be...........the wind blew as if providing me the support to be hard in those conditions..........
i couldn't get admission there and i still couldn't do anything .
after 1 week , one of my friends called up , and shared his happiness with me ,
he told me that he got committed after the girl he was trying on from so many years agreed to be his partner ........
It didn't made me smile but made me to be harsh on him .........he may have got hurt but i didn't know , what made me do that........
i just was sitting around with my friends , all were committed , only i was the one single in the whole group .
if i have a good memory , the moments we friends spent last together were few........and rarely we had an experience to share to others about our friendship..........
It all happened as
when we started to be friends , one of us was already committed and as the time passed one by one everyone found love in their partners they met ......the last one to get committed was the one who called up.....leaving me the only "single" ,
who was single even now..........
whenever i tried to meet them up or make plans for our outing ........they used to say sorry yaar girlfriend ke saath jaana hai ..........
we ll meet some other day.......definitely........but that day never arrived......
even when i tried to resist to their no.........i got to hear from them that why don't you find yourself a girlfriend
i didn't knew , what a girlfriend was........i had friends who were girls.......but we shared nothing more than friendship...........
i felt as if i definitely needed a girlfriend..........my friends tried to help me out with it.........
i re-winded my past history and tried to find out , do i had a crush ? or do i had a one i was comfortable with........
the one who was predicted to get committed before all others end up being single...........
i tried to get into those talks with girls..........but it didn't worked out.......continuous hitting of my friends on the same topic , made a feeling to pop up in my heart...........
seeing my friends talk to their girlfriends on phone , i really felt as if it was nice thing to have someone..........but my problems never left me......
i talked to girls and asked to be my girlfriends as was instructed to do so in order to get committed ,by my friends
i turned up ruining my friendships with them...........but my friends didn't stopped at this........
i started to talk to a girl online.........she was nice and i knew her from my high school days......
she seemed sweet at first and i thought of going through with her..............i told my friends about her.........
my friends said yes , come on , do it .........you can propose her........and i did
but she said no.......to which i felt unmoved/untouched by how bad/good the other felt.........
but my friends told me to propose again.......which i did
again a no.......
i asked her for her phone number.........talked to her for some days.......and then initiated by my friends proposed her
i SMSed her ......and reply came yes...........she said she was having her exams ........and we didn't talked for a week.........after one week when i tried to contact her.......she said she gave her phone to her friend who replied me yes ............
i still didn't felt offended.........but my friends started to ignite the fire of the condition and worsen the situation for me to handle...........
i left contacting her again and led my life through and i stopped talking to my friends who got busy with their girlfriends.......................it didn't bothered them even try to know of my existence.......but they simply got so involved with their girlfriends and they didn't had time for their friend........
i remember those days .....
they used to say that
yaar dekhna ******** naa sabse pehle committed ho jayega aur fir hume isko dhoondna padhega.........pakkad pakkad ke bulaana padhega ,
he would surely leave our company for her
now if i could ask them who left the company and who got busy............
that incident spread like a fire in my friend circle and all girls who used to befriend me once , started giving me a stern look..........i felt like running away from those eyes , but what could i do......i had them involved in my life so much that wherever i stepped i had them present there already.........
i stopped looking at any eyes from that time.........and remained all time at places where they had less probability to come to.........
i stepped up in the next chapter of my life.......i had close eye to eye encounters with people , there were some whom i started liking at first sight ........but i had my past with me that time.........i had an image set , that i even willingly could not change.........so i rested my desires and put them out of focus.......
girls thought i have an attitude problem........but i never wanted them to get into trouble because of me or feel ashamed because of me
i really couldn't grab my confidence to measure the steps to her............but sat down just looking at her from some distance......all i had was my past on my mind
i really feel like the air , whom you can feel but can't collect or keep it with yourself.........when you ll try to grab it in your fist , it ll just pass out of the gaps in the fingers......
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